When parenting a child or a teenager that comes from a rough background, the mess can seem so big that it is hard to know where to focus your attention and energy. It is a constant moving target as you face irritating, inconvenient and oftentimes bizarre little things every day.
It is so important to step back regularly and evaluate the big picture:
1: What kind of person do I want my child to become?
2: What kinds of virtues does he need to achieve this?
3: Where do I need to focus the majority of my energy and attention in order to help him develop these core virtues?
The answer to our troubled kids becoming healthy adults that contribute more good to the world than evil, depends solely on their developing of core virtues.
Not values, mind you. These vary from person to person, defining simply what each person finds to be most important to them personally. Virtues are as irrefutable as mathematics. They do not change from person to person, they are set foundations of character and wisdom and health.
Kindness. Humility. Integrity. Honesty. Purity. Honor and respect. Goodness.
What kind of man do we want him to become? And sometimes that means ignoring or setting aside a lot of distracting details of the moment in order to continue building these critical foundations of health and goodness.
Anger and outbursts are unavoidable. With kids in general. But then these kids have also suffered incredible loss. Have missed out on key developmental stages and emotional growth. The anger seems to always be there. It comes out differently with different kids and its root is almost always fear, but it is almost always there. That is why many people are afraid to take these kids into their lives, especially teen boys. It is scary and hard to have this in your home. It can turn your life upside-down at any moment, change the course of an entire day, ruin trips and plans and suck all the happiness out of a room in an instant.
The triggers can be predictable and they can be unpredictable. They can be big or small. But when it comes, it is like a sudden storm that blows in and there is nothing to do except weather it. Wait for the sun to come back out.
For us, as the parents of a hurt and scared and angry kid, it is important to accept that God does not calm every storm.
Many storms we are simply meant to weather. To strap ourselves to the nearest immovable object and hold on until it passes. Strength is built this way, in US–the parents–first. And then, as we persevere, and as we keep building the foundations of virtue beneath our wounded kids, soon those storms can begin to quiet and still within them.
If every storm was stopped or avoided we would not have the opportunity to develop this strength. Bad weather conditions us. It is good for the soul. To learn to embrace this truth is to embrace the power that is built only by standing against something harsh and terrible, until you grow into the kind of pillar that is not knocked over.
Many people may look too much at the details of a stormy child.
The shouting and throwing things. The slamming doors. The insults and verbal attacks. The terrible noise and uncomfortable tension. The breaking of objects, holes smashed into walls. The loss of sleep and fear for our safety. Embarrassment of being witnessed or overheard.
We want these things to stop. And understandably so. We may react with anger of our own.
But I choose to see a different picture when I look at my stormy child. These storms inside of him are not going to be disciplined out of him. They are the result of terrible evil things being poured into his soul for years and years. They are the result of far too much chaos being poured in, to ever just be reasoned back out.
If we look at him from the perspective of this bigger picture: what kinds of virtues does he need to make it through difficult things in life, including this? We see that what he needs to learn the most right now, isn’t the self-control to stop the storms, but how to resolve and make amends afterward.
The storms are a long way from being settled inside of his soul. The details of the storms themselves might not be the most important focus at this time. We need to show him how to come back from one. How to show remorse, make amends, say I’m sorry, ditch shame and learn forgiveness, unconditional love, and a desire to do better next time, even if that desire is not immediately fruitful. It is a big start.
In the first few months he was incapable of saying the words I’m sorry.
He would hold onto the anger even after the storm had passed and he would isolate himself, refuse to look at us, speak to us. Refuse to come back and join the family. I believe this was the result two things.
One, he had been wronged over and over again by so many people and no one had ever apologized to him for it. He had never seen regular examples of remorse or apology before, despite horrendous crimes against him.
And two, a palpable atmosphere of shame and rejection hung in the air after he had behaved badly. Because he had always been sent away for how he behaved. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was waiting for us to be like every other person and say, that’s it, that was the last straw. We don’t want you anymore. We can’t do this, it’s too hard.
So we had to work on this first. We had to work on the foundation of removing shame from the behaviors, and teaching him that we saw deeper into his value than how he was exploding. We saw him, through his behavior, through the wounds that caused the behavior. And he had the opportunity to come back and make it right every time and every single time we would be waiting with open arms and hearts to forgive and a fresh new start.
Remorse and forgiveness. Two very valuable virtues.
It was clear he had not been shown what true forgiveness meant before. And how can anyone ever understand God if he does not understand forgiveness? How can anyone ever know love if he does not understand forgiveness? How can anyone ever feel secure in a family without regular movement to-and-fro within that family… of forgiveness?
So we decided to stop reacting to his storms and see what happened. Let them blow through the house. Let the chaos pour out if this damaged boy and not add too it. But wait it out. Not threaten or punish or shout back. Not try to control it or stop it or discipline him in it. And then afterward, when the winds were dying down we would go to him and sit beside him and say, ok, glad that’s over now. Let’s forgive and plan to do better next time, and apologize and move on.
For the first few months it would take hours of gentle coaxing to get him to mumble an I’m sorry and give a hug and reluctantly rejoin the family.
Then gradually it took less and less time.
What we were building was a foundation so much deeper than any behavior reformation focus could have ever given us. We were building a foundation of trust, acceptance, and unconditional love. Things he had never truly had before. Things that were unknown to him. And it was so important because on this foundation all other things could be built.
We did discipline him for his behaviors, but this was also done patiently and with love, and selectively. Such as having to repair or work off damage done to our home or belongings. Or replacing video games with a family night of interacting over board games instead. And most of the time he was able to calmly accept these consequence afterward as well. Not under shame, but as a natural course of action in a world where effect follows cause.
We are believers in Attachment Parenting. It is a method of parenting that focuses solely on building a foundation of attachment first, so that the child develops a sense of security so firm that all other things run smoother within it. It operates on the understanding that the most important thing, when you have an infant, is meeting his or her needs immediately. This builds a foundation in their little clean-slate brains of trust and security and safety. The very first thing they must learn in life is that you are there. You are there. You are there. You will always be there. And in this they learn, I am safe.
Jack does not have that foundation yet. But we are building it. One day, one reaction, one hug, one forgiveness, one new shame-free start at a time. What we want him to learn, what he is starting to learn is, I am safe here. On this foundation, everything else can be built. Because the more safe he feels, I believe the less and less the storms will come.
The storms are beginning to reduce in severity and length. They are becoming less violent. They are becoming less filled with fear. And then suddenly, one day a miracle!
He began seeking us out afterward. Seeking forgiveness, seeking resolution, seeking to apologize. His arms outstretched, to grab hold of us and say I’m so sorry. And we say Thank you baby, I know, now let’s start over. This pattern is making him desire to act out less. These are the first steps.
The reality is that it will take years for him to fully work out all of the damage inside of him. The damage that makes these storms blow. But it really only took a matter of months to set a foundation sturdy and strong enough to hold fast to each other when they do.
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