February 21, 2018

Our new son doesn’t necessarily know he is our new son.

To him we are just his foster parents. I want to blurt out be ours forever! over breakfast and have to hold myself back. He has only known us for seventeen days. We know he wants to be adopted, which makes it even harder not to talk about it, but his case worker doesn’t want him to know just yet. She knows him better than we do, so we are trusting her. If he knows, he may try to sabotage it, she warned. If he thinks you are a foster family he will at least want to maintain staying in the home. But he has had a failed adoption before, he may freak out and ruin it.

So we are waiting to talk about it.

Adopting an older teen like this feels really touchy. Kind of like an arranged marriage with someone who has suffered more than one terrible divorce before. 

They are not like puppies pawing at the glass hoping you will take them home. At least not on the outside. They are children who have been passed and shuffled around from caregiver to caregiver for much, if not all, of their lives. They are children and teens who carry fear and mistrust as a core part of their identity. Who have lost everyone they have ever loved, have been rejected repeatedly, and treated like government-owned property. They live within the system, operate in a lifestyle so unlike ours we could never fathom it, almost every part of their lives reminding them they are on the outside. 

It’s scary enough to meet new foster parents. Strangers you have to live with suddenly, know nothing about. Can you even imagine the pressure and anxiety involved in meeting potential adoptive parents? Two people showing up one day and saying, will you be adopted by me? 

The bond must progress more naturally with teens, don’t you think? Kind of like in an adult relationship. Where such talk of adoption and forever is a bit more mutual. Based on a shared desire, growing trust and a certain level of compatibility. Even though we would not have gone into this to turn back, he may not feel so sure. And, honestly, we don’t know him well enough to say.

We have never been foster parents before. I don’t even think he knows that. We have always just been… parents. So that’s how we see him and that’s how we treat him. I’m not sure how it looks in most foster situations, how similar or different we may be speaking and acting. Because to us, he is not a visitor. He is just our new son. And perspective changes everything.

He thinks he is our foster kid. That we are just one more home in a long line. 

We want to adopt him. We want him to be a part of this family. We see him being a part of the rest of our lives; Christmases, and special occasions, we will be at his wedding and grandparents to his children… But instead of saying those words to him, flimsy and not yet filled out with time and trust and mutual feelings, it may fall flat.

He is so well-behaved! Not just because this is the honeymoon stage, but because he is calm and peaceful and obedient by nature. I think he is one of those rare anomalies, the trauma having turned inside rather than lashing out, turning him into someone who wants to please others, wants to work hard so as not to disappoint us. 

We expected it to be harder. We keep thinking, it was supposed to be so much harder than this! We thought it would take longer to adapt to having a stranger in our home. But from the very first day, it almost felt like he has always been here.

The boys bonded within hours. Playing and bantering and hanging out like they have always been brothers, falling into a big-brother-little-brother role instantly. It helps that they have been unknowingly attending the same school, walking the same halls, for the past six months. They had passed each other countless times.

He is not distant or detached. He is present, and affectionate. He took to us almost instantly, with the unquestioning ease of a child used to being passed around and parented by many different strangers.

But still, the bond began forming in the first few days. A strong and perceptible mutual like. So we know it will not take long to reach the point when the topic naturally comes up. He just… fits.

Like a member of our family that was lost and was just now restored to its place. Like he was always meant to be ours.

But this information is still our secret for just a little bit longer.

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