I was in Target the other day when a youngish woman pushing a cart passed by the aisle I was in. It soon became clear, though I could not see the offending party, that behind her trailed a two- or three-year-old that was deciding to be awfully upset about something.

First, she ignored him, walked on, pushing her cart. The child still did not materialize, remained only an unpleasant noise. After three steps she threw over her shoulder an exhausted cluster of words containing no ounce of feeling or conviction. I’m just going to keep walking, she said. Poor dear. She really was tired.

The noise carried on.

When it was clear, after a few more moments, that this was not going to sort itself out, she abandoned the cart, went to him, picked him up and said soothingly, how can I help you? What can I do to make you feel better?

Now I saw the child, in her arms. Squealing and resisting, arching his back to try and get away from her. He was even more upset now. Growing louder as she begged and bribed him to feel better.

I fought the urge to chuck my bottle of Yes to Carrots at her.

You are the problem, I thought. How on earth (and when?) did parenting get so bad?

I mean Baaaaaad.

It was somewhere between my generation and my son’s. When parenting suddenly turned into something else entirely. When parents started being afraid of their kids during a tantrum rather than the other way around. When teaching freedom of expression became more important than teaching self-control. When parents became so concerned about harming their children’s self-esteem by being assertive that instead they accidentally robbed them of the confidence and security that is developed when you know your parents are in control and stronger than you are. When parents, while trying to make their kids more emotionally well-rounded, accidentally made them emotionally weak.

 

A few weeks ago, at a family reunion, I had more opportunity to observe parents in the act of young-child-rearing, while surrounded by clusters of procreating people I am related to. At one point, my little niece ran to my sister-in-law in a panic. She had seen a bird down by the river that absolutely demanded photographing immediately and she came to request her mother’s phone for the task.

My sister-in-law was in the middle of a conversation with another adult and she put out her finger to signal that my neice was to wait a moment. I saw the youngster’s internal struggle from my place a few feet away. I mean, this bird could, at any moment, just fly away. She was in agony. She jittered with the inner conflict and potential loss. She began to beg, Mom, I need it now!

And her face scrunched up in that signature expression. She was gonna squeeze out some tears to be sure her mom knew just how important this all was. In the instant before the tears came my sister-in-law put up one authoritative finger and said “If YOU cry…”

She didn’t even have to finish the sentence. In that second, the face was put to rights. No tears. No scrunching. She pulled herself together immediately. Because in those few words and that one finger, and the tone of her mother’s voice she knew exactly what was expected of her behaviorally.

My niece knew, all of seven green years of age, that there were behavioral expectations that would be enforced. She knew that her mother meant that if she did not wait patiently there would be no phone. There would be no bird. There would be no photograph. Her only chance of getting what she desired was to act in an appropriate and acceptable manner.

This child knew how to control herself better than many teens and adults I’ve seen. She knew that if she didn’t, there would be a loss. She had been trained, molded, shaped into knowing exactly how she was to discipline herself to behave if she wanted to be rewarded in life. The boundaries had been set and she knew exactly where they were.

The woman in Target rewarded her son’s terrible behavior with cooing and bribery and manipulation.  The child could probably have been seen moments later holding and gnawing on all manner of bribes in the front seat of that cart. Just to try and brighten his mood, as if that was the only problem: fixing how he felt.

And when he’s ten? What will he do to his teacher? And when he’s sixteen how will he respond to his boss? And when he’s thirty what will he teach his children? And the cycle continues.

My sister-in-law (whom I incidentally decided was my new hero in that moment) was only going to reward appropriate behavior and observance of set boundaries. And her kid knew it.

And that little girl will behave well in school. And one day she will thrive by respecting her boss and the rules of the workplace. And then she will teach her kids to honor authority and to control their behavior. (Thank you, sister-in-law, for contributing something positive to our future society.)

Kids are killing each other and pushing each other to kill themselves at a shockingly sad rate today. Many of these kids are obviously troubled, but a lot of troubled people don’t end up harming others. The difference is, not how they are or even how they feel, but the way they choose to behave as a result.

And many of them are actually not troubled at all. They were totally normal functional kids with great lives that just went with what they were feeling in the moment. And it will cost them for the rest of their lives.

Behavior matters. We need to teach our children that poor behavior gets disciplined and good behavior gets rewarded. It is more important than we could ever know.

Equality should be taught to our kids on a broad spectrum of human decency, but our kids need to understand how to honor people in authority above them and this too is becoming lost in our equality obsessed culture.

This is the message they should still be receiving from us: no we are not all equal in every way. I, your parent, am your authority. And you will respect me. Your teacher is your authority and you will respect her. Your boss is your authority and you must respect him. Your law enforcement is your authority, put in place to protect and serve you. You need to respect them. You are not to cause anyone else harm. You are to behave in a way that uplifts those around you. And if you don’t there is a price to pay. And when your emotions overtake you… grief and loss and fear and rage… this is how you handle it. This is how and where you direct it. This is how and where you do not.

This is emotional intelligence. The ability to control yourself in the waves of emotion. The ability to make a clear and good decision when passion overtakes you. The ability to know exactly where and how to direct strong feelings. And where and how not to. It means the difference between life and death sometimes.

There is therapy in place for people who have trouble controlling their behavior or who engage in harmful behavior toward themselves or others. It is called CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It basically does the job (late and with much greater difficulty and less likely results) that parents are meant to do while we are growing up. By teach people how to have self-control in connection to their feelings. To direct their emotional urges toward different behaviors. People who self harm, road-ragers, people who abuse or assault other people, are often court ordered to undergo this therapy. It couldn’t be more clear. These people were not taught what is and is not appropriate behavior in response to powerful feelings. They lose themselves in an adult tantrum.

When you discipline your kids for bad behavior you teach them self control. You engrain in them from birth a priceless value system. There are certain things that become a part of their automatic response and belief system. They become emotionally strong and self-controlled. Isn’t that what all parents want for their kids? I know it is. I know we have just lost the ability to see the cause and effect of what present day parenting is actually robbing our kids of.

The message should be clear and enforced from birth.

This is how you act. No matter how you feel. 

This how you do not act. No matter how you may feel. 

No matter how you feel, it is not okay to hurt someone else. 

No matter how you feel it is not okay to disrespect authority. 

If you act in certain ways, there will be consequences. There will be loss.

… I’d better not do that. I don’t want to get in trouble.

I’d better not say that, because it is unkind and might harm this person.

I’d better listen to my teacher because if I don’t my mom will ground me. 

Isn’t this what we all want for our children? Yes, I believe it is.

 

 

 

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