In my search for what it truly meant to be attractive I knew I must strip all my beautifying rituals away and see what lay hidden beneath them. All the fears, the beliefs, the habits involved in my beauty schema, exposed. It wasn’t necessarily that I was a huge beautifier. I never wore much make-up and I always did prefer a more natural, relaxed look. But this was about getting a completely fresh perspective. This meant it all had to go. And all at once… Which was a bit of a shock.

I stopped wearing any sort of make-up. I stopped dying my hair and had the dye stripped out. I took the polish off my nails. I stopped dressing to impress others. I even stopped shaving. So I basically just showered, dressed in something that was comfortable and walked out the door.

I’ll admit, at first it was a bit terrifying. At the time I was prone to acne and I have very wild wavy hair, defiant and offensive when not expressly forced into submission with all manner of plugged in devices, sprays and creams. I found my natural medium brown hair color mousy and bland. Years of my favorite hot pink nail polish had left my exposed nails stained a sickly yellow.

A few days of embarrassment faded into a couple weeks of mild discomfort, which eventually morphed into my feeling over time more beautiful and comfortable than ever before in my own skin. It was in part the fact that people did not stop mid-stride on the street or in the grocery store, mouth agape and eyes wide with horror at my repulsive appearance. It was in part that I felt empowered by my freedom from a long-dwelt-in hiding place. And it was in large part, waiting for my newly exposed features to get over their shock and blink their way back into the light.

Now, ten years after my first tentative steps into the open, I think I look silly with make-up, freakish with alien-colored nails, fake with dyed hair, and fashion trends don’t interest me. I don’t look at others this way normally. My own unfiltered view of myself has simply become hyper-aware of its raw state being its favorite state. I know many attractive people who have painted nails, dyed hair, wear make-up, and dress fashionably. I also do not attribute much, if any, of their attractiveness to these things.

I’ve embraced my wild hair and found it actually fits my personality better than when it was straightened and tamed. It also relaxed and smoothed out quite a bit once I stopped attacking it on a daily basis with all manner of assaulting ceremonies. I have grown to love my natural hair color and over the years the sun has given it beautiful reddish-gold highlights. (Update: in  2013 I discovered dreadlocks–oh the glorious sense of true identity this gave me)

My skin cleared up and my tone evened out once I stopped wearing make-up. Also a very clean diet and a long process of cleansing and rebalancing made me glow with inner health and perfectly clear radiant skin.

All it took was time and my natural beauty emerged before my eyes.

I found I still love my signature red toenail polish. (I buy Mineral Fusion brand from natural Grocer’s or Whole Foods.)

I found I enjoy having natural underarms, which for me means a tiny little bit of blondish hair. And I decided I did NOT like unshaven legs. A few laser treatments at Ideal Image and I have smooth legs and bikini line FOREVER. So worth the cost and minimal exposure to radiation.

Overall I discovered I was a true bohemian, hence the name of this blog: the Accidental Bohemian. Because I did not know that was what I was, or that was even a thing until my late twenties.

The point is this: I found what I personally needed to strip away in order to not feel crippled anymore by the need to perform certain rituals before presenting myself to the world. I now do not believe those things have much of anything to do with my attractiveness.

Once I stripped away my protective layers, I became almost solely focused, when desiring to enhance my beauty, not on what I could put on my skin, my body, or my face, but on restoring my soul to a state of wholeness. Which in effect would cause me to gain the ability to draw others toward me, the ability to truly be attractive. This was where I wanted to focus my energy. If I spent my time chasing outer perfection I would waste my life chasing the wind, never achieving true attractiveness. Only growing emptiness, as the darkness in my soul fouled everything.

I believe every one of us is meant to be greatly attractive, to be able to draw others to us on many levels. But I think that we each must strip away things that hinder, whatever these may be, and let God move on our cluttered inner storage rooms often.

Regardless of what I look like, it’s when I am exposing the most beautiful parts of my soul that people are most drawn to me. This is when I truly feel beautiful.

Thank you for reading my story. I hope there was something beautiful in it for you.

Update: I wrote this post when I was around 31 years old. I am now approaching my forty-second birthday. I achieved my goal, little by little along the way. I restored my soul and body to a state of such clarified wholeness, so healed and open and free that for at least the past several years, everywhere I go people are drawn to me. I did it. I found the inner beauty I was looking for. That glows outward so potently that everywhere I go, people say to me, there is just something about you.

To be good. To be pure. To be whole. This was all I ever wanted. And I fought for it, sought after it with all my will and strength.

I did it by stripping away all the trauma, all the wounds, and purifying my heart and soul and body every day. Asking the Lord every day, if there is anything in me that does not line up with him or the way he made me, to expose it, to help me root it out.

As it turned out, all that foulness I could sense, it was all trauma. It all needed to be rooted out.

And I am finally ready to write a book about every detail of this long journey. The incredible secrets and tricks to healing and restoring oneself to absolute wholeness. Stay tuned.

 

 

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